Updated: Mar 14, 2019
It is ABSOLUTELY unforgivable that these songs didn't even go TOP 40. TOP FORTY.
Diana Ross - No-One Gets The Prize (#59)
- I guess the UK just REALLY did not get her Ashford & Simpson produced 'The Boss' album. The title track, one of her coolest EVER, stalled at #40, and this bombed. I just ... there are no words.
Prince - I Would Die 4 U (#58)
- Oh you fool yourselves as it's on every best of, and you know the words now, but this was a HUGE FLOP. And how DARE YOU!
New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle (#56)
- For a song so iconic in an iconic band's career, it's shocking to me that this song failed Top 40 in the UK or US. Referenced constantly with one of the coolest bass lines. Maddening.
Cyndi Lauper - Change Of Heart (#67)
- SIXTY SEVEN. Are you kidding!! This song is really one of her sassiest and coolest vocal deliveries, and followed a Top 15 hit (True Colours). I can't remotely understand how it failed so well as it sounded so current and so full of energy.
Liza Minnelli - Don't Drop Bombs (#46)
- After the monster success of 'Losing My Mind' perhaps they should have gone with 'Love Pains' (which did get to #41 two singles later) but the non-top 40 placement for this genius slice of bizarre 80s pop is so sad. I bet that secretary DID have a heart attack.
Grace Jones - I'm Not Perfect (But I'm Perfect For You) (#56)
- It's no secret that her chart success was a rollercoaster in the UK, but this song is explosive, and produced by Nile Rodgers - especially at that time - you would assume that its effortless slickness would have gone Top 40? Also has one of her most fun single covers (look it up *sips tea*)
Aretha Franklin & Elton John - Through The Storm (#41)
- I heard this so often as a child I assumed it was as big a hit as 'I Knew You Were Waiting (For Me)' but NO. It wasn't even Top 40?! How?! How did these two GIANT stars, TOGETHER, miss Top 40 with a song that couldn't be any more glorious 80s pop if it tried? WTF people.
Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairytale (#41)
- Now this one really saddens me. The GORGEOUS lead single from an album that went criminally underlooked in the UK after a very lack-lustre covers album that I fear did her career no end of harm. SO close to returning queen Tori to the Top 40, but just failing at #41. Her biggest hit in the US, conversely.
Alisha's Attic - Pretender Got My Heart (#43)
- Their final, and most perfect, single. Even from the Bridget Jones film, the label fucked around delaying and amending release date infinitely (I remember emailing with friends about this, livid) until eventually they sank it. This incredible song deserved so much more. Also the album it's from 'The House That We Built' was their best.
Crush - Jellyhead (#50)
- I bought this as a CD single where the cover folded out to be a poster. YES it's trash, but it's such fun trash. Even Donna Air couldn't save it. It's a bit sad that after the success of Ant & Dec post Byker Grove that two cool girls with a spunky song couldn't have a hit. Alas.
Fleetwood Mac - You Make Loving Fun (#45)
- No words.
Scissor Sisters - Kiss You Off (#43)
- Their first Top 40 miss in the UK which is a TRUE shame as Ana Matronic gives full boss-mode on this track. I imagine the second single from Ta-Dah being 'Land Of A Thousand Words' (...!!) didn't help as even 'She's My Man' missed Top 20. Such a waste.
Patience - Nerina Pallot (#61)
- All of my friends from Neath loved Nerina's debut album and now I'm lucky enough to call her a friend I'm EVEN MORE livid that her debut album wasn't a hit. This is a fantastic debut single. What happened? If I even heard about it in NEATH how was it not a hit?!
Björk - Hunter (#44)
- Now, One Little Indian did some SPLENDID fuckery with the presentation of 'Homegenic'. From 'Jóga' only being available as a VHS box set making it chart ineligible, 'Bachelorette' only getting to #21 despite being a huge, HUGE song with an incredible video, to this missing Top 40?? This album should have had all Top 20 singles, done correctly. There is nothing like this song around.
The Cardigans - You're The Storm (#74)
- Receiving very little push as a single (did I ever see the CD anywhere?) this HEART-SHATTERINGLY fantastic song from, in my opinion, their best album 'Long Gone Before Daylight', disappeared instantly, which is a shame as it's one of Nina's most beautiful vocal deliveries.
Pet Shop Boys - Leaving (#44)
- 'Elysium' is not one of my favourite PSB albums, sure. But this IS one of my favourite singles of theirs. I love the production and Neil's vocals sound so dreamy and wistful. This should at the very least have been Top 20 for re-capturing some of the nostalgia and beauty of the 'Being Boring' vein. But as we saw last week, you people weren't kind to that either so ...
Kelis - Get Along With You (#51)
- I was SO excited by Kelis' debut album, and I remember seeing the video for this on MTV. I fell so in love with this song. Also weirdly when she ways "it was October 30th" that's my birthday, so maybe I'm biased. Such a shame that this song derailed her Top 40 run that was just starting following 2 Top 20 songs. Such a great song.
Donna Summer - When Love Takes Over You (#72)
- Wow. Just wow. Probably a victim of sequence (after the decision to strip 'Breakaway' of all its majesty and release a f*cking SHIT remix just before this) this track failed Top 50 even. After 3 big hits from the same album. Wow.
MNEK & Hailee Steinfeld - Colour (#92)
- It's mindblowing that a huge star like MNEK who's written monster hits for others, and had his own, missed Top 70 (!!!) with this song THAT I HEARD EVERYWHERE EVEN IN AMERICA. WTF!!! I honestly can't get my head around that especially when you see the 37886 MILLION views the video has on YouTube. A modern mystery.
Bette Midler - The Rose (didn't chart)
- SERIOUSLY. One of the most memorable performances of this mega star's career didn't chart?! Roses aren't red, they're disappointed in you.
Some of the songs that peaked at #2 on the chart that TRULY deserved more than being remembered as a number two.
Natalie Imbruglia - Torn
- The song that gets the most euphoric reaction any time I play it, anywhere I DJ. Universally adored, and truly when the UK heard *another* 'Neighbours' actor was releasing a song, NOBODY expected this. Yes, it's a cover, but the production and HER VOICE are utter pop perfection. Untouchable.
The Cardigans - Lovefool
- Originally stalling at #21 the re-release after being featured in 'Romeo & Juliet' incredibly nearly gave the Swedish darlings a #1 single ... if it wasn't for you pesky kids!! Ultra cool slice of Swedish pop with Nina's effortless and sassy vocals. Fool me!
Girls Aloud - No Good Advice / The Show
- Infinitely cooler than the debut #1 'Sound Of The Underground', I couldn't believe that this didn't make #1. Super cool follow-up track by what became an almost unstoppable girl group. I'm also tying this with 'The Show' because it's such a FANTASTIC pop song that is bonkers and genius.
Pulp - Common People
- This was EVERYWHERE and truly defines living in the UK better than any book or film. Everyone knew the words. Everyone knew Jarvis, and finally a weirdo bunch of music geniuses from oop North sold MILLIONS of records by poking fun at poshos playing poor. Everything about it is flawless.
George Michael - Outside
- The most spine-shatteringly brilliant comeback from a public scandal I can think of. The video is a glorious dildo in the face to the police arrest, only bettered by the song's super sharp lyrics, gorgeous vocal delivery and timeless production. I cannot believe how great this is, to this day.
Madonna - Ray Of Light
- I'll ALMOST forgive this one as 'Frozen' WAS #1, but I mean come on! This track is such a banger, the video was so much fun, and EVERYONE THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT ANNA FRIEL!!
Diana Ross - Upside Down
- SO close, Diana. Crazy to think that not all songs as omnipresent in modern culture and DJ sets, referenced by almost everyone, didn't actually become a #1 single. Still gets its dues in being played across the world, but still ... STILL.
Erasure - Sometimes
- You guys, Erasure NEVER had a self-penned #1 single and that is a true crime. This song launched them properly as mass-market pop stars, and rightfully so. It's an incredible moment for an unlikely duo who won the UK's hearts with Vince's quirky and brilliant production and Andy's other-worldly vocal abilities.
Pet Shop Boys & Dusty Springfield - What Have I Done To Deserve This?
- Well, what DID they do? Not shy of a #1 single, THIS duo definitely deserved a #1 spot for this glorious use of faded popstar returning her to a spotlight. If you don't know the albums they produced for Dusty and Liza, then it's no surprise this missed #1. But please investigate.
Annie Lennox - No More "I Love You's"
- There has never been a more perfect vocal delivery in all time.
Kylie Minogue - Confide In Me
- Back with an orchestral bang, nobody expected Kylie to be purring in a middle 8 over a c*nty drum loop with strings aching and swirling like a crazy beautiful scene in a weird film noir. But she did it. And it should have been #1. It should still be #1.
Toni Braxton - Un-Break My Heart
- Apparently she initially didn't want to record this. CAN YOU IMAGINE. Diane Warren struck gold once more with this insane OTT ballad. "Un-cry these tears" is a genius line, growled by one of pop's BEST vocalists. Also props to Diana for helping us learn how to dramatically invert verbs for pop effect.
Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas Is You
- WHY. WASN'T. THIS. NUMBER. ONE. There is still time.
Corona - The Rhythm Of The Night
- What more did you need than a gorgeous Brazilian model with 23 foot long braids spinning in front of a waltzer in a fairground to make you by this song?? Total rip off of Say When's 'Save Me' song [link] but still it's one of the 90s most iconic songs. Take me to turn to!
Real McCoy - Another Night
- Who was MC Sar? Why did he disappear? Also I remember a second mysterious girl appearing in the group on Top Of The Pops when they performed one of the worst live vocals I've ever seen. Patsy (in the video) was actually miming to Vanessa (new girl)'s vocals .. or something like that, because the 90s. Anyway. Song should have been #1.
Haddaway - What Is Love
- Left without comment.
Britney Spears - Piece Of Me
- Insanely cool pop song from Britney at a very weird point in time / her life that really should have been #1. But like, REALLY should have been.
Wham! - Everything She Wants / Last Christmas
- It BLOWS MY MIND (ft. Gwen Stefani) that this song, EVEN BACKED WITH LAST CHRISTMAS did not make UK #1. It's one of the most perfect pop songs even if it does potentially steal THIS Imagination song [link]. And "so now you tell me that you're having a baby" was sneakily interpolated in Spice Girls' 'Say You'll Be There' "so now you tell me that you've fallen in love". Boop!
Imagination - Just An Illusion
- Speaking of Imagination ... sampled perfectly on Mariah Carey's 'Get Your Number', this song was SO close to being #1 in the UK with a slice of disco / funk that just drips with cool. So good.
Janet Jackson - That's The Way Love Goes.
- Janet Jackson has never had a UK #1 single. Process that.
Unbelievably, these incredible, and incredibly famous songs ALSO MISSED the UK Top 10.
Madonna - Take A Bow (16)
- Spectacularly ending a long run of Top 10 singles, it was unbelievably one of her BIGGEST US #1 SINGLES that did it. I'll never understand how this stunning Babyface ballad missed Top 10. It's homophobic!
Whitney Houston - Step By Step (13)
- A song written by Annie Lennox and sung by Whitney Houston with stunning vocal delivery ... what could go wrong. Only the people of the UK, that's all.
Mariah Carey - Emotions (17)
- Seventeen are you JOKING. Are you REAL? This powerhouse vocal delivery with insane full pelt vocals AND WHISTLE NOTES didn't go Top TEN? No words. *whistles profanities at the sky*
Dream - He Loves You Not (17)
- Also peaking at #17 is this fantastic slice of pop akin to Christina Aquilera with those insane drum patterns. It features the iconic line "you can flut your pretty eyes" (flutter -> flut = wild genius). Sadly not enough for the UK to care enough to be kind.
Cathy Dennis - Too Many Walls (17)
- ALSO NUMBER 17. Granted: Cathy's voice isn't the most belting or powerful of any of the solo ladies kicking around in the 90s. However this ballad is gorgeous, her vocals are vulnerable and almost perfect. Plus she was colouring in her hair with felt tip pens! Give the woman another Top 10, UK!
Erasure - Chains Of Love (11)
- How the F*CK was this song not Top 10 for one of the UK's most successful, joyful and triumphant duos in history? This song is catchy beyond words and SHIP OF FOOLS HAD JUST REACHED #6. I MEAN WHAT WERE YOU ALL DOING?!
Saint Etienne - He's On The Phone (11)
- Probably the most sure that the label had ever been that yes, finally Saint Etienne would have a Top 10 smash with the Motiv 8 (tick) remix of a camp as hell song (tick) bizarrely featuring Etienne Daho (tick) at a time where the charts were camp, weird and LOVED a Motiv8 remix. NUMBER F*CKING ELEVEN HOW DARE YOU.
Wannadies You & Me Song (18)
- Stop for a second. Try to cope that the song EVERY SINGLE TEEN was singing after 'Romeo & Juliet' by Baz Luhrmann peaked at #18 in the charts. Disgraceful! It's an incredible song. Super twee, but utterly forgivable as this Scandinavian band proved in other moments like 'Hit' and 'Might Be Stars' that they can also punch and turn up the distortion. A gorgeous song that deserved more.
PSB - Being Boring (20)
- One of the PSB's most understated and beautiful moments released as a single. Admittedly it's not the sure-fire hit that 'So Hard' undoubtedly was and is, but it's a stunning song and at a point in time when the band had just had TEN consecutive Top 10 singles, this should not have been the one to break that chain.
Eternal - Crazy (15)
- OK, the song is not a classic. But I STAN this song. And it deserved to be Top 10 for these reasons: 1) It gave all the members their own solo moment which is the only time in Eternal History this was allowed so for God's sake it should have been encouraged. 2) Louise's "this is why!" announcement into the first verse. Amazing. 3) That "WOOOO!" is so forced I live for it. 4) It was ETERNAL. They deserved every single from that album to be Top 10. Even 'So Good'. Which I also STAN.
